Leave The Pieces
by TheDeep
Summary: "I don't recognize him anymore." Four members of the New York CSI team now struggle with the same statement about each other. Each of the four was involved with one of the others. But that was before... Before the incident words cannot describe. Now, the cards have changed hands, and two of them can only look each other and wonder... "How do we go forward from this? How can we?"
1. We Don't Know Them Anymore

"_You're not sure that you love me, but you're not sure enough to let me go, baby, it ain't fair, you know, to just keep me hangin' 'round…"_

"_Leave The Pieces" by The Wreckers_

**~ Author's Notes ~**

**As if this isn't an old habit of mine… Yes, it is. Inspiration, however, hit me at literally 10 or 11 o' clock last night when I was trying to find that magical land called sleep. (Somehow, I eventually found it… When? God only knows…) But, that's not a story to tell now. This is a little pre-promise, if such a thing can be said. Hold me to finishing this story, and my others. I'm making a promise I know I'll probably need a few nudges in order to keep. Anyways, enough of my blabbering and back to what I set out to do…**

**~ Chapter One: We Don't Know Them Anymore ~**

It was one of those days in the city. A day that was as hard as all hell to get through. The rain drops raced and chased each other down the glass windows in front of him and he almost mindlessly reached a hand forward to trail a finger in the path of a quickly moving droplet.

Heels on the hard flooring in the hallway brought his distant mind back to the present day and he turned his gaze to the source of the sound.

"Still here?" she asked softly as she hesitated for a moment, just a few steps away from him.

He nodded. "Fourteen years have left me with little other place to go," he murmured. That's right. Fourteen nearly grueling years in this building had shaped out a team he called family. And those fourteen years had their highs and lows.

He heard her sigh and was tempted to do the same. "What the hell are we doing anymore?" he asked, shaking his head. With the hall dark behind him and the dulled natural light filtering fully through the almost floor-to-ceiling glass panes, you couldn't help but feel the mood was at one of those all-time lows.

A few moments of silence met his words and he finally looked back over at her. Her brown hair worn long and casual clothes telling him and others she was certainly off-duty, she had a hand rested on her stomach in one of those tell-tale signs of what had happened to both of them.

She looked up to meet his blue-gray eyes after waiting a few seconds to see if that feeling of him watching her would change. She licked at her dry lips and finally joined him, her arm brushing his when she finally stopped and looked at the rain against the glass. "I don't know, Mac… I don't know what to tell any of them. Haven't. Ever since we got back…," she said after a moment.

As much as he hated to admit it, he couldn't lie that he felt the same. He shook his head again as if he could throw the situation out of his mind like it was a figure of his imagination. "Nothing's the same anymore. We _knew_ these people… We _knew_ them… I just… I don't even know if I know myself anymore."

She paused in her trailing of one of the droplets along the glass to dare a glance through her brown locks at him. She _knew_ that tone. But not from any of those normal fourteen or so years. Those years were long lost in a whirl of turbulent memories she hated to revisit…

But they had to.

"What do we tell them?" she asked, finally unable to keep her exhausted form from leaning into his.

Under his façade of only being a leap or two or three and a jump on the dark side, she could feel that tense uneasiness under the strength he put up to keep her from falling to the floor, and maybe taking him with her. "I don't know."

She sighed and rested her head against his shoulder as she turned her troubled eyes back to the raindrops. "I… I don't know either…," she muttered after a moment, bringing both of her hands up to hide her face as she felt warm tears prick at her eyes. "I… I can't even tell him what happened… I just… I don't have the strength…"

She felt him put one of his arms around her shoulders and she knew she shuddered a bit at the move, even detecting that he hesitated like she had to even try to make the move. "I haven't told Stella either…" His voice trailed off and when she palmed tears from her eyes and looked up at him, she only caught a glance at the conflictions in his gray-toned eyes before he set his jaw and closed his eyes in an attempt to keep ahold of some kind of, any he had left, self-control. "I just don't have the words…"

At the same time, two old friends were walking near the Hudson, their hair wet and somewhat slicked from the rain.

The taller form was a man and he shook his head as a few drops of the water got into his face before running a hand back through his hair to direct the stream out of his eyes.

Beside him, her brown curls in quite the matted tangle from the rain, Stella hugged her wet jacket around her a little more. "Has he talked to you?"

A frown slid across the man's face, his blue eyes troubled. "Neither of them. Jess hasn't even talked about it with me," he said.

Stella sighed and started to wind her fingers through her hair. "Do you think we're just overreacting?" she asked. "We both know how hard it is coming off something like that."

He sighed and shook his head a bit again. "No… Something's up. I feel like there's something big we're missing here. They're definitely not telling us something."

Stella looked over at him, concern in her emerald-colored eyes. "Something? What do you mean, 'something'?"

The frown previously formed on the man's face grew. "Something pretty damn bad, Stell… I mean, we're talking about Mac here. It takes Hell and more to shut him up on a case like this," he pointed out. He sighed and plunged his hands deeper into his pockets. "It's got me worried. Jess won't say a word on it either. She knows, and Mac does for sure… Only question remaining is what the hell would keep them acting like they have?"

It was a question Stella didn't want to know the exact answer to if at all possible. It scared her. "I'm not sure, Don… I'm honestly not sure."

Don sighed and shook his head a bit more as they stopped. The droplets of water raced each other down his face as they both turned their attention to the gloomy view of the Hudson alongside them. "We'll never find out unless we solve this case."

Stella nodded, chewing at her lip as she ignored the streams of cool rainwater that sometimes blurred her vision in the already dimmed city around them. "Honestly… I don't know if I _want_ to solve this case."

Don looked over at her, layers of concern and deep trouble deepening the shade of his blue eyes. "But that's the job…" He let out a soft snort as if to see irony in the statement. "As we've been told so many times…"

Stella nodded and squeezed her eyes shut. "I know… I know, okay? I see it, too, Don. Just as much as you do with Jess!" In a reaction to his clear frustration, Stella found herself finally able to bust one of her locks open and spill out her own woes and frustrations with this situation. "He's just not the same anymore, Don! He's… I don't know… On-edge constantly. I keep feeling like he still hasn't quite recognized that he's back where we were all fine before all of this chaos. I don't know him anymore."

The last statement came as a shocker to Don and Stella, the Homicide Detective's gaze snapping to her attentively. For a few moments, they searched each other's eyes for answers to the people they loved the most. Deeper, they wanted answers to the problems. The problems they seemed unable to solve.

Don sighed after a moment, his shoulders sagging from his formerly outwardly undisturbed presence. "Alright… You're right. I don't know if I recognize either of them anymore," he said quietly.

Stella felt warm tears fight past her and slide down her cheeks to mix and race with the raindrops already there and, soon enough, she felt Don put a consoling arm around her shoulders as he pulled her to him. Not knowing what else to do, she gripped the collar of his jacket with one hand and finally stopped fighting those overwhelming emotions. "What on Earth do we do now?"

Don sighed and carefully ran a hand through her hair at an attempt to soothe her. "I don't know, Stell… I don't know."


	2. My Own World

"_You say you don't wanna hurt me, don't wanna see my tears, so why are you still standin' here just watchin' me drown?"_

"_Leave The Pieces" by The Wreckers_

**~ Author's Notes ~**

**Yes, this chapter came before the others… No, that's not what I planned. If I can just yank my head out of this song stuck within it… I have well overdue plans to write, firstly, the next chapter of "Experience." So, keep your eyes peeled – I'll finally reveal what Darian's response was to Mac's taunt of pulling that damn trigger. XD**

**~ Chapter Two: My Own World ~**

The rain hadn't stopped, and it was the next day's afternoon. Stella could hear his voice from the hall. It was enough to make her stop for a moment before she stepped inside.

He was blissfully, or Stella wanted to call it that, unaware that she walked in, even when she quietly shut the door behind herself with a soft _click_ as the door fixed itself back in place and she shed her jacket off her shoulders to leave it hanging to dry for whatever call-out she got next.

She thought she recognized the song, but the cover sounded a tad different as he played it on his bass guitar instead of whatever might've originally been used. Not to mention he wasn't what some would call the next American Idol, but Stella didn't mind.

This was Mac Taylor. Of course she'd listen.

"And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine,

Don't worry 'bout this heart of mine,

Just take your love and hit the road,

There's nothin' you can do or say,

You're gonna break my heart anyway,

So, just leave the pieces when you go,

Leave the pieces when you go…"

His song choice spurred questions in her mind. Something was definitely troubling him if he'd turned to something like this.

She watched as he stopped, examining his finger placement on the fret board of the guitar before he looked up as if he'd suddenly been alerted of her presence.

Needless to say, he nearly jumped when he saw her standing there. "Jesus!" he gasped, shaking his head quickly as his right hand leaped the distance from the strings to his chest in a matter of mere nanoseconds, "God, Stell… A little warning, please?"

Only the beginning of a smile tugged at the corners of her lips. "You okay, Mac?" she asked, pulling off her shoes without taking her eyes off of him.

Mac easily untangled his legs from underneath him and slipped out from under the strap on the guitar. "Fine," he said half-heartedly. He heard the tremor in his response and it made him grimace as he stood up.

Stella paused in her action to fix a knowing emerald-green gaze on him. Normally, or… before this, Mac would've been killed on the spot by those green eyes. Now… He had to look away, showing Stella involuntarily the remnants of what him and Jess had been through.

"Good God, Mac, you can tell me what's troubling you," she said, sounding a tad exasperated and fed-up with his silent elusiveness as she walked over to him to examine the cut that was just visible on his neckline, presumably running from the front of his shoulder from her observations – if it could be called such a thing.

Mac sighed and didn't protest as she scanned her accessing eyes over the rest of him and he forced himself to look back at her. "Can I?"

That brought Stella up short. Her eyes raised slowly back to his, and the familiar confidence she usually saw in his stunning eyes was gone. She couldn't find it no matter how hard she looked. His voice and tone indicated he was as uncertain as a child and his gaze reinforced that.

Feeling too motherly to wonder why too horribly much, she placed both of her hands on his shoulders and Mac continued to search her clear eyes for answers to all of his troubles.

He used to be able to find them with such ease in this woman. Before… All he had to do was ask, and he'd actually had the guts to do it, too.

"Sweetie, you can trust me," Stella said gently. The endearing term was not used in the context of girlfriend to boyfriend. No, not this time. More so a mother to a son.

Too troubled with deeper problems, Mac was willing to accept that. He put both of his arms around her in a hug and pressed his face against her still-wet curls, desperately searching out any familiarity in her body against his. "Stell… I… I don't know… what to say."

Stella pulled away from him just enough so that she could look at him. He'd stuttered the sentence as if he was freezing cold and taking another look at him, she could almost see how shaky his certainty in everything was nowadays.

How the hell had she missed all of this?! Here she had been, worried sick over him, and she came home to this! He was a _mess!_ Unable to be certain he could confide in her, he'd actually been on the couch playing that guitar! Not that she saw anything bad in the concept itself, it was just…

_Distrust. Uncertainty._ The words hit her like sucker-punches to the stomach. She shook her head and took a step back to continue her examination of the man in front of her.

_Something is missing, Mac Taylor… Just tell me what it is,_ she thought as she narrowed her eyes as she studied him.

Mac watched her, feeling like he couldn't move from her eyes. _She knows something's wrong… But… How do I tell her _what?

He swallowed what felt like bile in his throat and stole a glance out at the city visible through the windows before he sucked in a shaky breath. "Stella… Jess is pregnant."

**~ o ~ o ~ o ~**

The blanket was tucked under her feet, her legs folded tightly back so that she could keep herself curled up in her tight little ball. _My own world,_ she thought with a sigh. She watched the raindrops streaming down the face of the glass in front of her face and corrected herself, _No… It's not just about us anymore… Not just about me and Mac or the team… It's about our child._

She rested one of her hands instinctively over her stomach under the warm shield of the blanket.

She closed her eyes as she felt tears prick at her eyes again. "How am I supposed to tell him?" she whispered to the walls.

Like they could give her the answers. She almost wished they could tell Don for her. It would be so much easier that way… Or would it?

She tugged the blanket back up over her shoulders until the edge brushed her chin again and held it there with a grip like her life depended on it.

For her, it might as well have. Mac left the lab at the same time she did, and they'd both come to the same staggeringly terrifying conclusion.

They had to tell Don and Stella.

She used the heel of her hands to make sure the tears were clear from her eyes and shot a look at the digital clock on the nightstand. He would be home soon.

And just as she completed the thought, she heard the door and looked up to see his tall form, his black hair slicked with the rain and stray droplets streaming down his face. She waited a few moments before he was fully settled from getting off shift and back home before she took a deep breath, "We have to talk… I'm… I'm pregnant."


	3. We Didn't Want You Hurt

"_And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine, don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road,_

_There's nothin' you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway, so just leave the pieces when you go…"_

"_Leave The Pieces" ~ The Wreckers_

**~ Author's Notes ~**

**Alright guys! Time to start asking some of those questions, eh? Well, enough of keeping you waiting. I think I've tortured your minds enough already.**

**~ Chapter Three: "We Didn't Want You Hurt."**

Don stared at her in near incomprehension. "You're _what?_" he asked.

Jess felt her hands shaking as she quickly buried her face in them. "I'm _pregnant_, Don. Have been…," she repeated, barely managing to keep her voice from cracking.

Don licked at his suddenly dry lips, feeling like he was frozen on the spot. Jess finally peeked out at him from behind her hands and she used the corner of her sleeve to wipe away the tears that had already escaped her eyes before she folded her arms across her chest as she looked down towards the floor.

"Don't be upset, Don… You couldn't have known…"

"Couldn't have known?" Don asked, shaking his head. "_When?_"

Jess nearly flinched. "When they had me and Mac…," she said quietly.

**ooOOoo**

Mac sank back onto the couch, fiddling with the strings of his guitar as he felt Stella's penetrating gaze fixed on him. He took a deep breath to steady his racing and inter-mixed thoughts. "We didn't have a choice, Stell," he said quietly, finally finding the courage to at least look back up at her. "We did it because we didn't want anyone else hurt."

The more he tried to explain it, the less Stella understood what was going on. Before she knew it, he had a strong grip on her arm, his other hand rested against her opposite shoulder and worry was in his eyes. She held a hand to her forehead as she closed her eyes tightly. She could not _possibly_ be understanding him correctly!

His sigh told her she was hearing him all too well. He shook his head as he walked away from her, finding his service weapon on the nearby table and allowing his hands to go through the familiar actions of checking to see if the gun was loaded and then quickly unloading it to give himself something to do to keep his focus. He looked over at her as he did this, stumbling harder with words he didn't know how to cough out of his mouth for her.

"Stella," he said finally, laying the unloaded gun down and finding the nearest wall to place his back firmly against it as he closed his eyes, trying to clear his mind, "They were going to come after you two… You and Don. We didn't want you hurt… Either of you."

**ooOOoo**

Regardless of what she had just told him, Don still went over to Jess and put a strong arm around her shoulders to give her any support he could. "Hey," he said quietly, brushing her hair back out of her face, "It's okay… You're both alright now, okay? That's what matters most."

Jess rested her head against his shoulder, her eyes still closed tightly as she tried to steady out her breathing with tears still dampening her cheeks. "But how? How can you forgive us for this?"

Don sighed softly. "Because it's not your faults, alright?" he asked, finally making Jess look up at him. He carefully used his thumb to wipe away the tears from her face. "You both made a judgment call. I wasn't there, so I can't, in my right mind, judge either of you for your call. That's the job, Jess… We make calls all the time based on the situations we're in."

Jess let out a shaky sigh and took one of his hands in one of hers. "But what now, Don? What are we supposed to do?"

She didn't know. Right now, he was just a shoulder to lean on. She couldn't get herself to think of him as anything more than that. What kind of parent would she be with all of this? She had Don to consider, after all, but her and Mac had full responsibility for their actions here.

They had decided that the minute they'd found out. It had been nothing more than a speechless exchange of looks, and a soft kiss on her cheek. But it had been decided in those simple actions that they were _not_ to leave each other out on a limb with this.

No… This was too big for something like that.

Don sighed again, looking at her as she gently pulled away from him, wrapping her arms around herself tightly again and not looking back at him for a few minutes before she finally turned to face him again.

_How the hell am I supposed to answer _that_ one?_ He asked himself. How could anyone answer that one?

"I don't know, Jess," he said quietly after a moment with a shrug of his shoulders. And as much as he didn't want to show her his inner emotions about this, he couldn't keep them out of his eyes. "That's a decision for you and Mac now. Whatever you do… It's your choice. Not mine."

**ooOOoo**

"Mac? Mac?"

It took Mac a few moments to realize her hand was on his shoulder and she was asking for his attention. Letting out a shaky breath, he opened his eyes to look at her. Her concerned emerald-green eyes looked worriedly over his tensed form.

"Go ahead," he said quietly, looking away from her, "I don't blame you if you're thinking of walking out _right here, right now_."

Stella framed his face with both of her hands and made him look back at her. "Why on Earth would I do that?"

Mac sighed softly and she placed both hands on his shoulders. "Why wouldn't you?" he asked.

"Because," Stella said with a small smile that Mac saw took her a huge effort as she lightly punched him in the shoulder at an attempt to lighten the mood that hung thickly between them, "I've known your sorry ass since Police Academy, Taylor. Since when have I left you to face shit on your own?"

Mac managed a partial half-smile, gently pushing her hand away from him before she could hit him again. "I don't know, Stell… But this isn't just another 'saving my ass' kind of thing, you know?" he asked, falling serious again. "I… I never meant this for us, Stella… _Any_ of us. The team, Stella…" His voice broke off abruptly and he shook his head before his troubled eyes looked back out to the city through the window. "The team. I never wanted this for any of you…"

"Hey," Stella said, bringing his attention back to her, "Don't blame yourself," she said. But Mac saw all too well how she was just trying to lighten this on both of them. "You… You did what you had to." She stepped away from him and walked over to the window as he pushed himself off the wall and watched her with his conflicted blue gaze. "I… I probably would've done the same. So, … What's done is done, Mac Taylor." She looked over at him and quickly brushed a stray curl back out of her face. "No sense in trying to change it."


	4. Breaking the Rules

"_Now you can drag out the heartache, or baby, you can make it quick, really get it over with and just let me move on,_

_Don't concern yourself with this mess you left for me, I can clean it up, you see, just as long as you're gone."_

"_Leave the Pieces" ~ The Wreckers_

**~ Chapter Four: Breaking the Rules ~**

The next day, as Flack and Stella headed presumable for the lab and precinct, Mac and Jess met up yet again. Jess had actually been late, and she chewed at her lip a bit nervously before she spotted him. He had the Avalanche parked behind him along the sidewalk and it looked like he'd taken the liberty of buying coffee for both of them.

"Sorry I'm late," she said quietly as she joined him, accepting the warm cup he offered her.

"Don't worry about it," he said, sighing softly. From the turmoil and emotional agony clearly reading off his eyes like words in a children's book, he was as troubled by revealing what was up to Stella as she was with Don.

"So…," she said after a moment, looking away from him because seeing his pain was making her uneasy and magnifying her own, "What do we do now?"

He carefully brushed her hair back behind her ear, unable to check himself before he did and he caught her shoot a shy look his way out of the corners of her eyes. He almost smiled. Almost… "I'm not sure," he said, all too well reminded of the situation that they were in and the one that put them here. He shrugged a bit and then shook his head as if to clear it. "I'm not sure of anything anymore, Jess…"

She sighed and nodded, leaning her head back against the truck behind the pair of them and finally looked back at him, looking down at their hands as she took one of his in one of her own. "What did we tell each other we'd do?"

Her voice was so quiet, but Mac heard it as clearly as if she'd yelled it at him and his gaze dropped to her hand on his as well as she lightly traced her fingers over his knuckles. "Go out on a limb and wing it. Break all the rules of our friendships at once," he told her as he looked back up, almost a little surprised that he found himself looking right into her eyes.

"Is that what we still want to do?" she asked, leaning into him and resting her head on his shoulder. As soon as she let go of his hand, he put his arm around her shoulders.

He couldn't help but sigh quietly again. "What other choice do we have?" he asked, looking down at her. "This isn't just us anymore. We've got a whole other future riding on our shoulders," he pointed out.

Jess nodded, chewing at her lip some more, knowing just as well as he did what those words meant as he let his hand rest on her waist. "What the hell are they going to think of us for this one, Mac?" she asked, closing her eyes and bringing her free hand up to wipe tears away from her eyes before they could even get on her face.

Mac shook his head. "I'm not sure," he said. "But… I'm not even sure it's best to stay here in New York anymore," he added. Another shake of his head. He couldn't believe his own ears on his own words. He hated how he was kept awake nowadays by these troubling thoughts. If only they could all go back and just have prevented everything… It would be so much easier.

Jess looked up at him, surprised by the words herself. "Where would we go?"

Mac sighed again. "I… I don't know. Anywhere but New York. Anywhere."

Now it was Jess who was shaking her head. "Whoa… Wait… We're getting ahead of ourselves," she said, pulling away from him so she could slow her racing thoughts and get him to listen to her without interruptions. "I think we need to stay in Manhattan. At least for a little bit. We've got jobs here, Mac… I know it's hard to think about them right now, but…" She sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "We need our feet under us. Right now, we at least have that."

Mac looked over at her. She read uncertainty in his tensed position. He didn't think they had their feet under them at all. He didn't know if they still had their jobs. He didn't know if he could keep up with the world anymore, and quite frankly, she didn't either.

"Why don't we just find somewhere to settle down together and… That'll let Stella and Don figure out how to deal with us," she suggested.

Mac sighed softly again, nodding a bit. "Alright," he said finally. "That's what we'll do."

**~ o ~ o ~ o ~ o ~**

"You alright, Stella?" Hawkes asked, watching his coworker in concern as she finished stacking the papers she'd had on her desk into a neat pile.

She finally looked up at him, everything seeming to come to a grinding halt with the question. "No."

Hawkes finally walked into her office, taking a seat in Lindsay's chair across from her as she sank with a sigh into her own, burying her face in her hands. "What's wrong?"

Stella quickly raced a hand through her curls before looking over at him and leaning back in her chair. "Everything's wrong, Hawkes… Did Don tell you about Jess?"

Hawkes nodded quietly. "Did Mac tell you the same thing?" he asked gently.

Stella nodded, chewing harshly at her lip to keep herself relatively in control of her emotions. "I don't know how to take it, Hawkes… How… How are any of us supposed to?"

Hawkes sighed softly and sat back in his own seat, winding his fingers together tightly with his hands out in front of him on his lap. "I don't know if we're supposed to do anything more than let them figure it out, Stella," he said after a moment of trying to pick the right words to tell her. "We don't know what they went through… For all we know,… this could be their way of coping with what happened – of moving forward from it."

Stella looked over at him, not quite willing to accept that as a final answer. "But what does that mean for the rest of us?" she asked, almost challenging him to come up with an answer. "What do we do? Just let them walk out without saying a thing at all?"

Hawkes held his hands up to calm her. "I didn't say that it was going to be easy, Stell," he pointed out, gritting his teeth. This was a touchy subject, and the truth was that he didn't have all the answers. But the least he could do was try. "I'm just saying that maybe it's best to see what they figure out together as their best move and then we can all just try to move on."

Stella's shoulders slumped in defeat and she sat there nodding a bit, biting at her lip. "Move on?" she asked, with a hint of a disbelieving laugh behind the comment. "We're all just supposed to move on?"

Hawkes sighed softly again, turning his eyes out to the window as Stella soon did, her chin rested in her hand with her elbow rested on the armrest of her chair. "We have to try, Stella," he said after a moment. "No one ever said it was easy, but… The least we can do is try to."

Stella looked over at him, a bit more at ease with the conversation now. "So… What am I supposed to tell him?" she asked after a moment.

Hawkes looked back over at her. "Mac?" he asked for clarification.

Stella nodded. "Yeah," she said, "I'm… I'm not sure what he's planning to do now."

Hawkes could do nothing but shrug, not knowing the answer to that one. "It's whatever you think's right to tell him, Stell. We're all just in for the long haul now. Same as them."


	5. You Don't Want Me

"_And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine, don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road,_

_There's nothin' you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway, so just leave the pieces when you go…"_

"_Leave The Pieces" ~ The Wreckers_

**~ Chapter Five: "You Don't Want Me" ~**

"Mac?" Stella asked uncertainly, making him look up abruptly. He was lounged comfortably on the bed, guitar rested across his lap and his fingers placed casually along the fret board, "You got a minute?"

"Yeah," he said, sitting up straighter and setting his guitar aside. When he looked back at her, concern and apprehension had darkened his eyes again. She almost looked away in order to avoid it.

With a sigh, she walked over and took a seat on the edge of the bed, unable to miss how he tensed out of the corners of her eyes. _That's it, Mac… We really need to talk. For real…_

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Her tone was more harsh than she had intended, and Mac raised his hands a bit, as if he was ready to calm her down or surrender and let her slap handcuffs on him and tote him upstate herself. It was enough to make her cock her head to the side, confusion clouding her eyes. She had given up trying to make sense of him silently. It was time he started helping her.

He sat like that for a few moments longer before he seemed satisfied enough that she wasn't going to go at him or anything and he sighed, his position going slack and somewhat relaxed again. "Stella… You don't want to know…"

"Yes, I do," Stella interrupted him, her voice firm. Mac closed his eyes tightly at the rebuke to his resistance and he lowered his head. It reminded Stella of some kind of submission. Good Lord above, what was he not telling her?! She cautiously reached out a hand and rested it gently on his arm and he looked back up at her again, his eyes only visible to her as narrow, blue-gray slivers. Almost threatening in the way that they were weary with emotion and memories.

He sighed and shook his head as if to throw something off. "Please, Stella… You don't want to," he repeated, setting his jaw at the end of the sentence like he was trying to hold something back.

Nothing about his actions made sense anymore. _He_ didn't make sense. And it hurt…

"Mac… Please… Just tell me what happened." His troubled gaze rested on her again at these words and he chewed ever so slightly at his lip. Stella sighed quietly and pulled her legs underneath herself, shifting a little closer to him so she could look him in the eyes. "You cannot keep acting like I won't ask, ever. It's our jobs to find out, Mac Taylor. If you won't tell me, I will make it my personal mission to make sure I find out."

Mac looked up at her sharply, and for a split second, Stella thought he was going to snap at her, but he simply sat there, looking deep into her eyes and trying so hard to find the right words to explain everything to her from the very moment him and Jess had gone missing right out from underneath the rest of the team.

"The people you're looking for?" Now he was the one with the strong voice. She was right, he was _tired_ of _lying_ and _playing_ and _pretending_. "They're _killers_, Stella! Cold-blooded killers and kidnappers and rapists, Stella. They are every one of the people we've put away and lost in cases combined, you hear me? You don't _want_ to know why Jess and I don't talk about what happened! I _wish_ I could fix it, Stella, I do. I don't want to think about what happened to us. I don't want to believe it happened. _You don't want me anymore,_ Stella. I don't want to hurt you."

With that, he pulled away from her as he stood, not looking back at her as he walked away from her and stopped by the window to cast his gaze out to the city. A heavy sigh left his lungs. It may have been too much for him to say all of that, but it felt _so good_ to _finally_ have it said.

When he finally looked back at her, she hadn't moved at all. She looked so hurt by his words that he felt like he'd hit her.

Not knowing what else to do to calm himself back to the present, Mac simply leaned against the wall, rubbing his thumbs along his index fingers in an attempt to work off excess energy and hurt. He had to close his eyes momentarily, finally reining his thoughts back within his control.

"What'd they do to you to make you act like this?"

He opened his eyes to see her toss her hands in the air in a gesture that was supposed to represent him and his actions and he sighed again.

She looked back at him, standing and folding her arms tightly across her chest. It looked like she was ready to cry, and Mac could literally see tears starting to threaten her. And, God, it hurt. It rubbed at that still fresh wound and he wanted to walk away from it all, find a dark corner, and be a dog, licking at all those wounds to try to mend them, heal them, and make them a thing of the past.

But he couldn't. He couldn't fix them, mend them, and make them disappear. He grabbed his service weapon from the nightstand, running a hand carefully along the side as he laid his index finger against the trigger guard.

When he turned to face her, she was watching him. Half of her seemed detached, like she wouldn't care if he just shot her and shot himself and finished it, but her other half, those emerald green eyes that used to hold all the answers he needed, watched him in worry. Like she was scared about what he'd do with that gun.

A strange smile tugged at the corners of his lips at that half. He spun the gun once around his finger and stopped it, examining it with a quiet sigh. He then checked for a round in the chamber. There was one there, as he knew he could count on.

Looking over at her again, he held the gun up, hands off the trigger. "_This_ is what they did to us, Stella. The gun isn't guilty, but the finger pulling the trigger is. That's how it's been since these things were first invented," he pointed out. It was ironic to him that it sounded like the beginning of a history lesson, not his explanation. His smile faded and his eyes got dark again, "And men will do crazy things when under the influence of this power." He laid the gun down on the nightstand again with a force that was loud enough to make it sound like a loud _clack_ or slam, shaking his head as he turned back to the window, leaning against the wall once more. "The wrong end of that weapon… depends on how you're speaking. The men that use them are already on the wrong side if they're not thinking clearly and with the correct purpose… But the barrel end of that gun can make a man go insane, Stella…" Another sigh. "And it'll make a man do whatever it takes to make sure he doesn't ever have to be on that end of the weapon when it fires."

He was silent then, for a stretch of time that felt almost like hours to him, in order to let her think over his words. When he finally looked over at her again, she was still watching him, her shoulders slumped. And when he finally looked her right in the eyes, she shook her head and her gaze softened. "Is that what they did, … Mac?"

Mac nodded, having to look away from her again. Every day of training for things like that hadn't mattered. It was _different_ when you had to look down the barrel of a gun and listen to the man who had his finger on the trigger tell you that if you didn't do what he wanted, he would kill you, and make every last person you knew go through the same damn thing.

Hell walked on Earth in the form of humans. Mac would swear to it after that experience. The Devil walked with each and every human there was, trying to sway them to pick up violence and use it in manners he didn't want to think of. And humans' faith was only so strong… How could they all be expected to fight all the demons and taunts of the Devil? How? He didn't think he could ever do it again. He certainly didn't want to try.

It was a while before he realized Stella had come over to him, resting a hand on his shoulder and leaning against the wall beside him. He looked over at her momentarily to find her eyes focused out the window. He didn't have the strength to pull away from her this time. He didn't want to.

"I'm sorry, Stella… For everything," he breathed after a while of both of them just standing there in companionable silence.

Stella shook her head a little, shrugging just slightly. "What are you going to do with Jess?"

Mac sighed softly, shaking his head and licking at his dry lips. "I'm not sure right now, Stella… I'm really not sure…"


	6. Forgive Us Our Trespasses

"_You not makin' up your mind is killin' me and wastin' time, I need so much more than that…_

_And it's alright, yeah, I'll be fine, don't worry 'bout this heart of mine, just take your love and hit the road, there's nothin' you can do or say, you're gonna break my heart anyway, so, just leave the pieces when you go…"_

"_Leave The Pieces" ~ The Wreckers_

**~ Author's Notes ~**

**I know it's been a while since I touched this one, and others. I'm trying to get around to a new chapter for all of these stories, so bear with me and I promise I'll get it all done. ;) Now, enough nail-biting and not-answering-questions. Time to start putting puzzle pieces in their respective places.**

**~ Chapter Six: Forgive Us Our Trespasses ~**

They both took one long look back at the elevators they had just stepped off of, knowing it might just very well be one of the last times they had such courage. For neither of them knew how this was going to go. Not in the least.

Jess took a deep breath as she looked over at him, the ever-stoic look long washed from his experienced blue eyes that had seen everything this job could throw at a person, or so she was now inclined to believe. A weak smile pulled at the corners of her lips as she took his hand, part of which was to give him whatever support she could spare – which was not much – and the other part was to get any support he could spare for her. Not much there, either. "Ready?"

Mac sighed quietly, shaking his head as if unwilling to believe what they were doing. As if was some joke that he would've never, in his entire life that the team had known him, taken part of, but for some odd reason, he was doing just that. "I guess as ready as I'll ever be. You?"

Jess sighed herself, hating that they both lacked confidence. "I don't know myself. But… If we're doing this, we're doing this."

She finally locked her gaze with his, both of them remembering all too well that they had made this decision months ago…

_ooOOoo_

"I'll give you two a few minutes…" Even Doctor Hunter had trouble with this news. She understood this problem all too well. And it got under her skin. With a faint smile, she quickly averted her gaze from both detectives and rushed out of the room, softly closing the door behind her.

That left Mac to look, with a certain degree of shock still evident in his gaze, over at Jess. Personally, he would say, had he not been through the same thing she had, that something had just really crashed her world to a million pieces. But… That would only be if he didn't know what she knew.

Not willing to leave her alone after everything they'd seen, he put a strong arm around her shoulders in nothing short of a want to protect her from everything and anything. Not that it was at all possible. Certainly this couldn't have been worse?

When she gave in willingly and rested her head against his shoulder, he seriously thought that taking that bullet when it was offered to him would have been much less painful on all of them.

"Jess… I'm sorry… So sorry…"

"God damn it, Mac. Don't… Don't say that." He looked at her, not at all used to hearing her use such strong language.

She pushed her hair back from her eyes and grabbed his hand, as if it was the only thing that'd keep her world any kind of steady. "What are we going to do now?"

That was the million dollar question. They had no past to run back to. Not that they knew of, at least. Sure, they both had friends… And jobs. And they sure as hell had pasts. But it would be all too painful to try to rebuild from those bricks. They were smashed and scatted at random like in a war zone. And neither of them had the energy left to try to search through the rubble of this aftermath to put it all back where it was.

"I really don't know…," Mac's voice trailed off as all of it ran past him again, feeling unsteady enough that he resorted to leaning against the wall as his gaze remained distant from the present.

If anything could've prevented it… Anything at all… He would've taken it. He should have. What the hell had happened? Really?

Jess sighed again and leaned against the wall beside him, which seemed to be enough to finally ground him because he looked back at her at last. "What can we do?" he asked with a shrug of his shoulders. "I can't walk away knowing what I do… And I don't think that you can, either."

Jess closed her eyes, wanting to block the truth in his words. Even blame him for pointing out the inevitable. Only because she didn't want to hear it, didn't want to believe it happened to her, to him, and that they would have to face that it _would_ happen to the rest of the team that had searched high and low after their disappearance.

"You know I can't," she said quietly after a few long moments. She caught his eyes right on this time, and they held each other's gaze for what felt like an eternity before they finally came to their silent agreement.

They would not be told. Not until they sorted themselves out a little more. His eyes flashed with agitated hesitation before he placed a quick kiss on her cheek and then stepped away, not looking back as he walked out of the door.

If it had been under normal circumstances, she would've chased after him, blamed him for walking out like that. This was far from normal though. She couldn't blame him. Not even if she wanted to.

He presumably had headed of for Stella, even though doing so was nothing too terrible short of a death wish, emotionally so. Regardless, she intended to do the same and head back for Don. Emotional suicide. How hard could it be after what they'd been forced to do and had gone through? Really?

_ooOOoo_

They broke their connection suddenly and abruptly, the memory quickly becoming too painful for even just them to share in a simple gaze.

"I can't do this," Jess finally breathed, one of her hands clasped over her mouth muffling the quiet words. But it wasn't enough to completely hide it from him.

Mac nodded in agreement. It wasn't nervousness. It was a white hot dagger of pain that agitated him into such nervousness.

So, five minutes later, they wrote out a short notice to the rest of the group. They couldn't explain it well enough no matter how they tried.

In short, they left it as that they were leaving for an undecided amount of time from their duties within the Department, that they really wish they could've explained in person, but… it was too hard.

And… Lastly. That they were sorry. And, as hard as it had been on both of them, they told their story. The Reader's Digest version of it.

They went back as far as they could. To the night of the abduction, still fresh in their minds. And they put all the details, not leaving out one vital note that would most likely lead to the eventual solving of the case.

All of it up to the here and now of them making a final decision that none of the team deserved to try to help them fix their lives. This was their own problem, their own burden. And they had decided it best to deal with it alone, together.

Stella didn't deserve him walking out, but she didn't deserve to try to figure him out when he couldn't even figure out himself. He felt that that much was certain.

And Don… Well, Don deserved it no more than any of them. None of them deserved it. And, yes, before you ask, they knew it was going to be hard to just walk out on such a short note. But they couldn't do any more than that. It would simply be too hard.


	7. The Start

"_I've been cursed, I've been crossed, I've been beaten by the ones that get me off,_

_I've been cut, I've been opened up, I've been shattered by the ones I thought I loved…"_

"_Chalk Outline" by Three Days Grace_

**~ Author's Notes ~**

**Yes, you all keep pointing it out. I know you don't like the suggestions played forth so far, and it's repetition, repetition, repetition throughout these chapters so far. I'm doubling back for a purpose though. I don't think I like this anymore than the characters. XD But this is where the puzzle must come together. Slowly, albeit. Give me time, and trust me, guys. I promise this'll all sort out in the end. Just give me a few chapters to get there! ;)**

**~ Chapter Seven: The Start ~**

"Mac! Mac?" She had actually had to track the GPS system in the Avalanche to find him. It hadn't been a pleasant task, mentally. But what she had seen so far had made her sick with worry.

He was alone, letting the breeze rolling off the waters of the Hudson River soothe his racing thoughts. For the first time in a hell of a long time, the turbulent currents that had showed like turmoil in his eyes were calm. A hidden storm was not raging behind his posture. "Stella," he greeted quietly, turning his gaze back to the river.

She only hesitated a second longer before joining him. This time, he had more so welcomed her than turned her away. And God, it felt so good to finally have that invitation.

For a moment, they both stood in silence, shoulder to shoulder. Stella felt like he was trying to pick his words, maybe even try to figure them out. So she waited.

"Stella… I want to say I'm sorry," he said finally, the words coming out with a sigh following them. It was the weight of his world on his shoulders right now, and this couldn't wait anymore. He shook his head in an almost violent manner. "For everything… How the hell I made you go through this… All of you… Well… I don't know how I did it."

Stella looked at him as she listened, watching the story unfold from his body language. She already had the statement, if you will, from the note Jess and him had left for the team back at the lab. But this? This was the _true_ story. All the details he had left out, probably too scared to put them on paper.

And she couldn't blame him. She rested a hand on his shoulder. Mac didn't pull from her. He didn't even tense. Instead, he looked her straight in the eyes, and before she could say anything at all in response, he kissed her.

Completely caught off guard by the sudden move, Stella simply stood there for a moment, her hand still on his shoulder. She didn't dare stop him. When he did finally look at her again, it looked like he was finally starting to find equilibrium in his world again. It was the best thing she'd seen in years.

"I can't do this without you, Stella. I can't do any of it. I don't know what I was thinking… I didn't know how to handle any of it, Stella…" For a moment, he nearly stumbled over his words in his rush to get them all out. The whole story needed to be said, and he wanted to tell it _now._ The words were too heavy on his chest, and he'd spent enough time trying to avoid suffocating on them that he was tired of fighting with them.

"Mac… Don't," Stella told him, shaking her head slightly. "Just don't… It's not your fault," she said again, pulling him to her in a hug.

Mac put both arms around her, returning the embrace he had truthfully been missing over the past months. It had been too long. It was time he was honest with her.

He shook his head slightly as they both pulled away from the other's embrace. "Stella… This can't wait anymore. I asked Jess, and we decided it's time that we tell the story. Fully. We need to head back to the scene and start from the beginning," he said, looking at her almost as if she said 'no,' he'd continue asking and pleading with her.

"Mac…," she started, shaking her head slightly. Upon seeing a little of that worry in his eyes, she placed both of her hands on his shoulders and looked him right in the eye. "Of course we can. When?"

**ooOOoo**

"Don?" Jess leaned against the door frame as she looked in him. She felt tired. Really tired. Just because lying was too hard. And they should've seen this so much sooner. What had they been thinking?

He looked up and over his shoulder at her. The surprise in his eyes hurt her more than anything he could've said at all. She didn't wait to see if he'd actually respond, simply walking over to him and hugging him as he stood.

She laid her head against his shoulder and felt his further surprise. But it only took him seconds to return the surprise embrace. It was so much for her that she had to close her eyes to fend off tears that threatened her almost instantly.

"Jess… baby, you alright?" His voice was so gentle, and he carefully brushed her hair behind her ear as she felt a soft sigh slip past her lips before she felt composed enough to step back and finally explain.

She nodded a bit as she did, biting slightly at her lip in nervousness. "Don… About earlier…"

"I know," Don said, cutting her off. The look in his eyes was enough to tell her she didn't have to apologize, at least not in his mind. But she felt that she had to.

"I'm sorry… Just… Really." Her shoulders slumped a bit before she shook her head. "I was just… a wreck. And Mac was a wreck and… There were just some things we felt needed to be figured out and… Well," she paused for another shake of her head, "We can't keep doing this. Not to us… and not to you."

Don already had an arm around her shoulders, giving her the support she knew she needed badly. "It's alright," he told her, giving her shoulder a reassuring and gentle squeeze. "Just as long as you two are okay now?"

Jess nodded slowly, licking at her lips. "I think we've figured each other out… But I need to ask you something."

Don looked down at her, finding her looking right back at him. "Yeah… What's up?"

She took a deep breath, "We need to go back to the original scene, Don… It's time we finish this and move on."

For a moment, he was silent, thinking over her words. It made her nervous about his answer, but he finally nodded and looked back at her. "Alright… When?"

"Tonight," Jess replied. "It can't wait."

**ooOOoo**

"_You left me here like a chalk outline on the sidewalk waitin' for the rain to wash away, wash away,_

_You keep comin' back to the scene of the crime, but the dead can't speak and there's nothin' left to say anyway, all you left behind is a chalk outline…"_

"_Chalk Outline" by Three Days Grace_

**ooOOoo**

Mac and Jess surveyed the scene in front of them, Stella and Don beside them, respectively. It had been quite the night, the last scene the pair of them planned on taking. And it had meant several hours of overtime to at least get them started…

_~ Several months earlier… ~_

"Stella's not going to like this at all," Mac said with a frown, pulling off his pair of bloodied gloves. Rigor was making him say that Time of Death was probably between eight to ten hours earlier. And he'd place a safe guess to the bullet wound in this woman's chest being the reason he was now looking down at her still form. But… He'd seen stranger things than that, so he'd let Sid tell him for certain.

Jess was frowning and nodded in agreement. "Well, I can't blame her."

Her words made Mac smirk softly. "You trying to imply something to me, Angell?" he asked as he stood. The only thing left to do was ship this poor girl back to the morgue, and for him to get back to the lab. Life in the City That Never Slept. It sure was grand to be a CSI. He couldn't _wait_ to tell Stella. She'd be thrilled… Not.

Angell smirked, flipping her notebook closed. "Did I ever tell you about my arresting of Donnie boy?" she asked with a shoulder raised suggestively. "I know I've told Stella."

Mac smiled as he grabbed his kit. His job was done here. Time for this scene to be out of his command, for now. Until later, when he may need to come back and recheck for anything that could further help the investigation. "Oh?" he asked as they both walked for the exit of the building, "Are you telling me I need to fear arrest for not getting my sorry ass home when technically I am supposed to be off the clock?"

"Hey," Jess said, her tone warning him, "I didn't say that. I'm just warning you that if you walk in and she cuffs your 'sorry ass' down somewhere that you shouldn't be surprised. She's a damn good detective, Mac."

Mac chuckled, amused. "I'll be sure to keep my eyes open then," he told her, searching for his keys in the depths of the pockets of his jackets.

_ooOOoo_

"And that's when we were jumped," Jess finished. Mac was frowning beside her as they both surveyed the route they had been walking, heading out for their vehicles to get back to the grind. They had certainly not been expecting anything out of the ordinary routine.

Stella and Don both nodded, looking from their friends to the scene around them. They hadn't left out a single detail.

Mac finally sighed quietly, shaking his head.

"What is it, Mac?" Stella asked, looking back at him in concern.

Mac frowned a little more. "We're just getting started," he said, his voice dark with foreshadowing.

Don and Stella finally exchanged a worried and mystified look. Words on paper could not possibly have described the story that Jess and Mac had yet to finish. And Mac was right… They hadn't even scratched the surface of this tale… How they would manage to find the right words to lighten the blows of the events was beyond his capabilities to predict.

Him and Jess finally exchanged a look, nothing more than a question behind the looks in their eyes this time. How could they try to explain it?

Mac sighed quietly, unwilling to think on it too hard lest he fail to find the right words and lose all ability to say anything at all. "Well… Let's not wait for the grass to grow. This is one better finished in one sitting."

Jess nodded in agreement, and they led Stella and Don down the street. This was where things started getting sketchy and hard to explain. But they both knew it needed said. Shadows could hide these words no longer. There were criminals out there that were still free due to the silence. And that was the last thing you could've pulled from their job descriptions.


End file.
